I vividly remember the feeling associated with wanting a baby but that not happening. I remember trying to decide how God chose to give someone a baby but not someone else. I remember watching people with newborns complain about no sleep. I remember hearing pregnant women talk about how miserable they were. I said over and over that if God ever allowed me to be pregnant that I would never complain! I remember sharing with my closest friends and family how bad I felt when pregnant with Jonah but I made sure to never say it publicly. And really, minus a little issue with my side, my pregnancy was great with Jonah after the first 3.5 months.
So, here I am again with baby #2. I've been in bed since Sunday afternoon. While I feel really bad and can't keep much down, it isn't the physical part that hurts me. It is that little 3.5 year old boy that stole my heart several years ago. Rather than putting him to bed right now and snuggling with him, he is spending the night with a church member because I can't care for him. Today, I had probably my lowest point in motherhood and broke my heart.
I called Dan at 11:30 and through tears told him I needed help. My little boy was standing at my bed telling me he was hungry and I literally could not get up to feed him. I tried to stand up but got sick. I laid on the tile floor in my bathroom until I could regain some strength but only made it back to my bed. To have your precious little boy look at you and beg for something to eat and you not be able to give it to him is TOUGH!
Dan called Beth Hallstrom, one of our church members and she came right over. She picked him up and I just cried. I felt like a failure as his mom. I had such big plans for his spring break this week. We were going to the zoo, the beach, play in the yard, have play dates with friends, spend time in South Carolina with Doug & Allison and just enjoy life. Instead, I've read him 5 books in my bed, given him a few cups of juice, played cars in my bed and started a few movies for him. Not at all what I envisioned.
I'm not sure how long this sickness will last. I remember feeling so bad with Jonah but having nothing to do except get better. The story is different with a little one at home. Several people have told us how happy they are because we are having another baby. Some people know this but most don't so I'll share it here. I always wanted lots of kids. I love kids. But, there were 2 reasons we were skeptical to try again. The first was that I was afraid to get as emotionally invested in wanting another baby like I did the first time. If you haven't been there, you can't understand that. But, when you want a baby and can't get pregnant, it consumes you. It creeps into every area and relationship in your life. I did not want to do that again. The second reason was that I could not imagine being as sick as I was with the first time while I had another child to care for. I'm living the fear of that second one now.
While lying in bed, I keep reminding myself of all the things I know, but it still makes me sad! I'm so grateful for Dan. He is amazing. He cooks, cleans, takes care of Jonah, loves me and manages to maintain the work ethic at his job that I've always respected him for. He's a great husband and a wonderful father. I'm also blessed by this new family at Stetson Baptist Church. People who I've never met have called and offered to bring meals or keep Jonah. Tonight, he is spending the night with a family who loves him so much and getting up early tomorrow morning for a trip to the farmer's market with them. While I keep feeling bad for him, he's having a blast! My mom called to see if I wanted her to get in the car and start driving this way.
I know this is just a brief stop on this 9 month journey and the payoff at the end is far more rewarding than I can ever imagine. So, for now, I'll just dream of that day and remind myself just how blessed we are to be walking this road for the second time.