Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I have been contemplating this post for quite some time but refrained because of not wanting anyone to feel like I was targeting them specifically. But, due to 4 different conversations over the last week, I feel compelled to write this.

When we began our journey to have a child, we did not make that public matter. I remember only telling one person that we had started "to try!" As time went on and we realized there might be problems, it was a very sensitive issue to us. There was nothing more painful or hurtful during our times of unsuccess than the well-meaning comments we received from so many people. You know what I'm talking about....
  • Oh, you look so natural (When holding a baby)
  • When are you going to have one of your own?
  • When are you going to give you mother a grandchild?
  • You know, it's selfish to not want children.
  • If you are waiting until you can afford it, you will never be able to afford it!

I could go on and on, but you get the point. I can attest to the fact that most (not all, but a large majority) people who earnestly want a baby but haven't had one yet do not need a reminder of that. Statistics say that 80 % of all people struggling with infertility do not tell other people until after the 2nd year of their struggle!!!!!!! That means for 2 years they ache on the inside for a baby while they endure the well meaning comments of other people.

This is such a personal, private matter...please do not ask a woman when she is planning to get pregnant or have a baby if she doesn't open up to you and say she really wants one!!! The best comparison I have ever heard is this. When someone asks you when you are going to finally have kids, ask them when they are going to lose some weight!!! HA! Obviously, no one would ever feel the need to tell someone something so personal as to lose weight, therefore why do we feel the liberty to talk to women about when and if they are going to have children. TRUST ME...many times, those women are begging GOD for that very answer!!!!

Like I said, this is not targeted at anyone who has made those comments to me but instead a hope to save feelings of very dear friends and family who are in the midst of a real struggle to be a mommy and daddy! In our small life circle, I know of 16 women who long to be pregnant but aren't. Of those 16, 9 of them have only discussed this with their spouse, doctor and us. But, each of those 9 women endure those comments on a DAILY basis from well-meaning friends and family.

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Anonymous said...

praise god
preach it sister
right on the mark!!!!!!!!!

mmb said...


Anonymous said...

I could not agree with you more. I can not tell you how many times I cried and poured my heart out to God asking him to bless my husband and I with a child. In the middle of my daily heartache of not having a child, having to hear comments like you just mentioned would send me over the edge. If only these people could know how much I desperately wanted a baby; it just wasn't working out for me, yet. All this to say, think twice before you say something to a young couple. You never know what they are going through. If you really are that concerned, take your comments to God and pray that His will would be done in their lives.

Andrew & Audra said...

I think a good thing to do is assume every woman has fertility issues until she tells you otherwise. That way you play it better safe than sorry.

When a man and woman decide to have children is business that is only b/t them and God.

Very good post.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree and couldn't have said it better. Everyday is a struggle for my husband and I both because we have tried so long and have tried numerous methods, but nothing has worked so far. I try to remember that everything happens in God's timing. It is so hard to focus on that when everyone is so curious about my personal life. They do not know the struggles we have been going through, nor should they. Those comments tear me down, even though I know that is not the intent. It is almost like a slap in the face, although most of the time they have no clue. Thank you for writing that. I am so glad to see someone feels the same way I do about this issue!

Anonymous said...

Nicki thanks for writing just how it is. It is a hurtful time when someone makes those statements and we were trying for years and going to a special kind of Doctor about the problem and still cannot, but i do enjoy them through the Church nursery thanks for you post,Dude99!

Anonymous said...

Good job, Nick! Can I re-type your letter and send it to our local paper as a letter to the editor?:-)
J/K but seriously, if more people understood this if would save a lot of us a lot of tears and hurt!

Anonymous said...

.....and that my friends is the bottom line.



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