Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Update

I vividly remember the feeling associated with wanting a baby but that not happening. I remember trying to decide how God chose to give someone a baby but not someone else. I remember watching people with newborns complain about no sleep. I remember hearing pregnant women talk about how miserable they were. I said over and over that if God ever allowed me to be pregnant that I would never complain! I remember sharing with my closest friends and family how bad I felt when pregnant with Jonah but I made sure to never say it publicly. And really, minus a little issue with my side, my pregnancy was great with Jonah after the first 3.5 months.

So, here I am again with baby #2. I've been in bed since Sunday afternoon. While I feel really bad and can't keep much down, it isn't the physical part that hurts me. It is that little 3.5 year old boy that stole my heart several years ago. Rather than putting him to bed right now and snuggling with him, he is spending the night with a church member because I can't care for him. Today, I had probably my lowest point in motherhood and broke my heart.

I called Dan at 11:30 and through tears told him I needed help. My little boy was standing at my bed telling me he was hungry and I literally could not get up to feed him. I tried to stand up but got sick. I laid on the tile floor in my bathroom until I could regain some strength but only made it back to my bed. To have your precious little boy look at you and beg for something to eat and you not be able to give it to him is TOUGH!

Dan called Beth Hallstrom, one of our church members and she came right over. She picked him up and I just cried. I felt like a failure as his mom. I had such big plans for his spring break this week. We were going to the zoo, the beach, play in the yard, have play dates with friends, spend time in South Carolina with Doug & Allison and just enjoy life. Instead, I've read him 5 books in my bed, given him a few cups of juice, played cars in my bed and started a few movies for him. Not at all what I envisioned.

I'm not sure how long this sickness will last. I remember feeling so bad with Jonah but having nothing to do except get better. The story is different with a little one at home. Several people have told us how happy they are because we are having another baby. Some people know this but most don't so I'll share it here. I always wanted lots of kids. I love kids. But, there were 2 reasons we were skeptical to try again. The first was that I was afraid to get as emotionally invested in wanting another baby like I did the first time. If you haven't been there, you can't understand that. But, when you want a baby and can't get pregnant, it consumes you. It creeps into every area and relationship in your life. I did not want to do that again. The second reason was that I could not imagine being as sick as I was with the first time while I had another child to care for. I'm living the fear of that second one now.

While lying in bed, I keep reminding myself of all the things I know, but it still makes me sad! I'm so grateful for Dan. He is amazing. He cooks, cleans, takes care of Jonah, loves me and manages to maintain the work ethic at his job that I've always respected him for. He's a great husband and a wonderful father. I'm also blessed by this new family at Stetson Baptist Church. People who I've never met have called and offered to bring meals or keep Jonah. Tonight, he is spending the night with a family who loves him so much and getting up early tomorrow morning for a trip to the farmer's market with them. While I keep feeling bad for him, he's having a blast! My mom called to see if I wanted her to get in the car and start driving this way.

I know this is just a brief stop on this 9 month journey and the payoff at the end is far more rewarding than I can ever imagine. So, for now, I'll just dream of that day and remind myself just how blessed we are to be walking this road for the second time.

11 comments:

Barb said...

I'm so sorry you feel so poorly, Nicki. I pray it passes really quickly. And at the same time, I pray that someday I get the chance to experience it, because I would suffer that sickness in a heartbeat if it meant having a child. I know you understand that.

Audra Laney said...

Oh, Nicki. Bless your heart. I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine being that sick and not knowing when it will end. I'm guessing the Zofran isn't working anymore? Or you had to ration them down? Either way, my prayers will go up for you that this passes ASAP! Wish I lived closer so I could help.

Cristi said...

Hey girl it's OK to accept help. Not only are you nauseous, your hormones are all over the place. Take it for what it is. Praying for God to wash over you with his peace, strength, and encouragement! This too shall pass, and sooner than you think. -hugs-

Baylee's Mommy said...

I am so sorry that you are ailing. I think I am one of the few who didn't have morning sickness. Hopefully it will pass before the 3.5 month mark! Any names yet? Other than Jesus, Sammie, and Alaska of course!

winstead family said...

nikki, i wish we lived closer. i would TOTALLY take him and let him play with us. i can and can't imagine how you feel. i can remember the exact feeling of not being able to do for cole like i wanted to. i will CERTAINLY be praying for you nikki. love u.

Aja said...

Oh sweet Nicki. You know I know exactly where you're at, because I was there two weeks ago. It IS much more difficult this time around, and that can't be sugar-coated. I'll be praying for you and here if you need anything. I know it doesn't help to hear this right now, but you will feel better and things will get back to normal. And Jonah will be fine. It's tough as a mom though. We want to be everything for our kids, but right now your second child needs you to rest and take care of yourself for his/her sake. At least, that's how I looked at it and it helped me get through the tough 8 weeks. I'm here if you need me.

Brandy said...

Ok, you have me crying. So much of what you said is how I feel too. I never imagines I would be so sick with my second one or at least I had a mental block to try and forget. But this morning I was so sick as I was getting ready to leave for work I couldn't even get Mia out of her crib when she was crying. Broke my heart. As bad as it is it's nice to know someone else understands, that fact that your family makes it even better!

Penny said...

I'm sorry you're so sick. I never really had it that bad. I threw up at least once every day with my first until the week I had her, but was never really "sick." I would just eat and it would hit, and I'd make a run for it. Afterwards I'd be fine again.
It's hard, though, with another little one home. I hope it passes soon. Keep focusing on the miraculous end result.

Amber said...

I am so sorry!!! It is so much harder to be pregnant with baby number 2 when you already have one child! I remember feeling the same way when I was pregnant with Jackson and Mary Dalton was only 8 months old!!! When Dalton would get home from work, the house would be destroyed, she'd be filthy and I'd be crying! Hang in there girl ~ lots of love and prayers coming your way! And remember ~ This too shall pass and you will have not one but TWO precious babies to hold and love!!!

{Louisiana.Bride} said...

Praying for you! I hope you start feeling better soon.

Aunt Debra said...

As with Jonah - been praying for you since you told me about the baby. I will continue. I'm so sorry you are sick. Kimberly gets up, throws up either before she leaves for work, on the way to work, or after she gets there. She is getting better and it is not as often. Hope you see improvement soon also! I know it breaks your heart to not do for Jonah. Wish I was close enough to help, but I know he is being taken care of.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails